If You Must

There is a saying in Stoicism that to not want something is the same as having it. The intent is to provide a kind of mental model which quenches an insatiable voice of desire for something. 

Paul, of Biblical fame, considered one of the wisest and most insightful authors of the New Testament, when surveying the cultural landscape he found himself in, might have few misgivings when applying this Stoic idea to the area of dating and marriage. "Guys," he says, "find a woman...if you must. But, seriously, let me spare you the trouble and let you know you're probably better off single. To not want something is the same as having it, anyway. Stay focused on your bigger task, here." (I'm taking a bit of creative license, I'll admit).

Ok, Paul, thanks for that. Are we not going to talk about the whole "be fruitful and multiply" thing? 

While Paul has a point, even he gives voice to this odd dilemma we are up against: a very deep, spiritual desire for oneness with an ezer, essential other, and yet a series of hardships, impracticalities, and unavoidable deprecations that that comes along with, not least of all getting that plane off the ground to begin with. 

When reading Paul's admonishments regarding dating, you'd think that making the decision to marry is about as straight forward as going to the town square, announcing that you are looking for a wife, and then selecting from the small handful who may be there looking for the same sort of arrangement. Very little advice is give about what that process should look like, let alone what it should look like in a dystopian, disconnected, self-centered world we find ourselves in today. 

While the author of Ecclesiastes may state that there is nothing new under the sun, the scale, magnitude, and idiosyncrasies of the year 2023 takes a bit more finesse to understand how the principles in scripture were meant to apply here. At no other time have technologies meant to be supplements to our lives, becomes such pervasive substitutes for living; this is an enormous barrier and one that would not have been possible at any other time in history, not to this degree.  

This is the modern dilemma for the 21st century man in a culture far from the Eden-ideal: the effort to reconcile a burning desire for marriage and the apparent paucity of avenues toward that end despite an abundance of new options.

I find that a significant amount of self-help type books written today are simply recapitulations of ancient admonishments with contemporary stories. I think the way our culture has gone, we no longer have that wisdom baked in with the natural course of life, thus we have to do a cognitive retrofit of ancient truths as applied to a early 21st century context.

That's a bit what this blog is for. I am in the middle of this very dilemma and write as one who certainly hasn't figured out how to live with this tension, but I'm finding some nuggets along the way. 

This is my little corner of the internet to share those—if to no one else, my current, impatient self that feels like his meditations are doing little to bring about tangible steps toward an eventual marital union here in my 34th year of life. 

So, if you must, join this ride and let's see if we can't learn how to navigate this moral wasteland without totally ruining our connection to the ideals were are called to uphold.